Boring me, boring life

Have been thinking lately about the things that I wanna achieve, yet it seems kind of impossible. The results came back and I’d already knew I would screw up big time. The incomplete papers that I’ve produced in exams had resulted me in getting a GPA of 3.2. It sucks because to recover from that grade, I’ll have to work extra hard to pull the grade up. Seems like going into a university might not be possible for me :/

Having said that, everyday is a boring day. It’s different… in the sense that it’s a new day of the month and all but… the days are repeating itself. 

Same morning routine, fixed body clock, wondering in my mind, staring into my laptop looking at soccer cleats and stuff. Sometimes working once or twice in a week. It’s just boring. You might say that I am a lazy ass and I should go and look for something to do. The thing is – No matter how hard I try and succeed, it will eventually go back to square one… which is the situation right now.

Can’t be arsed to even give shit about people when I can’t handle the shit that has been created around me. I will forever remember this phrase Brian always tell me, “Eric, get your shit together.” 

Well, I’m still trying.

Currently having this thought of being a bachelor, inspired by my teacher. Seeing him enjoying his life outside teaching really just makes me think that I can really be genuinely happy. Having a relationship without knowing the true intentions and trust from your partner can really create havoc in your life. Bittersweet memories aye. 

If I could rewind time, I would go back to 16 February 1999, 2050hrs – in Jakarta, Indonesia; Back to the day I was born, where I know no stress, and no backstabbers and people with ugly hearts. Too bad it’s not gonna happen anytime sooner. Sad.

– Eric

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Sleepless Nights

As hard as I try, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I can’t stop overthinking. I just have no idea how to stop it. I tried many ways like eating before I sleep, playing peaceful piano music etc but to no avail. It really sucks not being able to sleep at night because I’d be so darn tired the next afternoon and the cycle repeats. More burden to my eyebags…

A common thought I always have in my mind is about my future. I keep thinking about the possible outcomes that will happen in like 10 years later – what will I become and what will be my financial status. Not sure if I’m really stressed for my future or what but yeah. All I know is I’ll have to work hard for my future so that I could secure my dream job and stuff. If that’s not the case then… time will speak for itself.

Because of sleeping late, I eventually turned from a very punctual individual to a late comer. Like seriously, very late. I only have myself to blame for being like this. I had caused quite some inconvinience to my friends and other people. Well at least for now, all I can say is “Better late than never.” Now my friends finally get a chance to know how it feels like to wait for them for more than an hour πŸ˜’

Well, sleeping late isn’t really a boon right? 

It’s so hard to catch up on my sleep. Right now I’d rather take a long nap in the afternoon than to force myself to close my eyelids and “sleep”.  It’s funny how I used to sleep at 10.30pm every night, but then it got dragged to 11.30pm. 12am. Right now it’s around 2-3.30am. My worst was 4-5am, or even worse – no sleep.

Trying to sleep now is so hard, it’s like forcing a vegan to eat meat. How I wish I could sleep immediately everytime I closed my eyes. 

Shall stop here for now. Have a good rest everyone! Remember to stay cheerful and lead your day with a smile (:

– Eric

Deep Midnight Thoughts

Hey guys! Sorry for the short hiatus πŸ˜… I was really busy with school and other stuff. So now I’ll just spill all the crap out of my mouth.

First and foremost, exams were like… meh~ I didn’t finish up 2 of my papers because my mind was blocked. Like legit. I was so prepared for it and I’ve spent so much time reading the notes and carefully analyzing the hints given by the lecturer. My mistake had caused me to lose my precious marks and limit my distinction. Well, it has already happened and I can’t go back to the past and change it anymore. No point crying over spilled milk. I’ll have to work extra harder and be more consistent next semester.

Apart from my academics, I was also struggling on sports. Yeap, I totally lost my touch in frisbee and soccer. I couldn’t keep my throws/passes consistent and I find myself limiting at 70% and not giving in my all. This has caused me to feel really crappy not being able to make an impact in the game. Yesterday, I was invited to a friendly soccer match by my friend and to be honest I was really nervous. For not playing soccer for quite some time, I lost my touch and I couldn’t dribble and pass as good as before. Seeing the frustration from my team mates makes me feel like I’m a burden in the team. I knew I lacked confidence, but I just can’t seem to get myself together. I’m still finding a way to better myself… and I know success will only come if I put in much more effort and determination in whatever I’m trying to achieve.

All these things bug me and I’m trying to fix it. I tried to conceal my feelings numerous times from my friends and some of them think I’m weird and crazy. Not sure if they really mean it but those were my thoughts then. I frequently get blue ticked or double grey ticked by people when I try to say something to them even a simple “Good Morning”. This goes to show that I’m a boring person. Again, this is just my personal thought. I try my best to be outspoken and be sociable like what my friends asked me to do and so far until now… it worked a little I guess? Like a… 15% success? I don’t know. The impact was more negative. Sighhhhhhh

I play League of Legends to unwind the stress from everything. Ironically, playing LoL adds to the burden of my stress. Basically, I went back to LoL as my classmates play it and I returned after so long and I played ranked matches (matches according to your skill level) most of the time as it was more competitive for me and it suits my nature somehow. Teaming up with 4 random strangers to climb the leaderboards, it can sometimes create a very terrible and toxic gameplay. Once someone feeds (death count higher than kill count), a toxic player will criticise them instead of giving them some encouragement. The player who feeds will either try to retaliate, mute the toxic player or play like a lifeless zombie. It will then create a domino effect on the team. The team plays bad, the team loses. As simple as that. If only other players were nicer, I would have enjoyed more games.

Well, all these are what I’m thinking now… However, the main thoughts right now are about others’ perspectives of me

“What am I exactly?” 

“Who am I to others?” 

“What do they see me as?”

“Am I regarded as a friend or as someone who can be easily stepped over and be taken advantage of?”

All of these thoughts have given me paranoia and seldomly hallucinations during my occasional nightmares. From falling off a building to seeing everyone get killed. I really can’t sleep peacefully anymore… regardless of how tired I am. Like right now as I’m writing this. I tend to sleep at like 1am or even later at like 4-5am. To be honest the lack of sleep really suck. Sigh. Hopefully, I can sleep again.

I shall end my post here for now. Once again I’m sorry for the random hiatus and I shall see you guys in my next blog post. Peace. ✌

– Eric

Weekly Update 21/8

What’s up guys how’s the week going?

Gonna write a short update. This week has been perfectly fine and it’s somewhat getting better for me. I realise that I need to control my temper and emotions or else people might misunderstand me and start to doubt or hate me or whatsoever. Other than that, everything is balancing out very nicely πŸ˜€

Exams are coming and this week is study week so I have no school and I’m gonna mug my way to GPA 4.0 πŸ˜„ Now it’s not the time to be complacent but to be consistent. The As are up for grabs and it’s not the time to give up now. Good luck to everyone taking their exams!

After exams, I’m gonna train hard in frisbee and soccer since I’m lacking behind a lot. Although I’m not cut for the squad, but that doesn’t mean I give up completely. Time will speak for itself. Hardwork and determination will drive the passion beyond its limits. I will pull through.

Shall stop here for now. See you guys in my next post! Have a wonderful week ahead!

– Eric

Weekly Update 14/8

I completely lost myself this week. I really hate having to face people who pretend or being two-faced to me. It’s just not fair to me.

I threw tantrum at home, neglected almost everything. I feel so helpless despite all the help that were offered to me. My motivation fell and I had zero confidence in doing anything. I guess I should just delete my Whatsapp and focus completely on studying, like Wei Qi. Hahaha. Well, I’m getting a little more impatient and tired. Time to give my all for end-semester exams and burn out afterwards.

I gained a little motivation and inspiration after Joseph Schooling, beat Micheal Phelps, his idol in the finals for 100m Butterfly event and eventually achieve an olympic record timing of 50.39s and the first gold medal for Singapore. History was made. How I wish, I could do the same too… But is there even hope for me?

Exams are coming in two weeks time. Hope everyone give in their best and achieve their desired GPA. I’ll stop writing for now. Have a good week ahead!

– Eric

Ignorance

Seriously, I cannot stand it anymore. Just because I’m quiet and easy bullied doesn’t mean that I can be taken advantage of.

People just blatantly use me for their own benefits and after that they’ll just leave and come back again oncd they need my help again. I just cannot take this anymore. This time, I cannot cope with my emotions anymore and I might go crazy this time. I really need a break from everything.

It seems like, their actions have made me trade my smile for a frown. I can’t see myself smiling, even if I do it’s fake and not legitimate. I should stop being nice to everyone and just live in this dull world where everything is just against me.

I am not myself anymore.

It sucks being very friendly and patient with people. I’m sick of wearing different emotion guises everyday to suit the mood of others. I hate getting ignored and stepped over on by people. I just hate this life of mine. 

I have thoughts about ending my life. I just wanna sleep through everything. If I were to answer this question: “What is the purpose of life? Why do we live?” I would answer: “To live for the sake of others and to suffer in this torturing world full of two-faced people.”

– Eric

Weekly Update 7/8

It has been a rough week and honestly, I almost broke down.

I’ve cleared majority of my presentations and it was alright. But the thing is, I’m back to being my old self again. My depressing, dark self

It really sucks to have this mentality knowing that everything negative will happen again but I had no choice. From being left out to getting ignored during conversations are the last things that you don’t want to happen.

It sounds so clichΓ© whenever someone tells me to cheer up and all. I really appreciate it… However it doesn’t really help ): Personally I feel like I’m having a war with myself and doing the smallest things like eating and making my bed are suddenly hard for me. Sigh.

Wishing for a better week. Till the next post, bye.

– Eric

Irritation

I’m pretty annoyed lately by almost everything. I couldn’t focus much on anything. 


Every. 

Small. 

Things.

 Affect.

Me.

Before I wrote this, I just had my presentation and it was okay. However, during the presentation, I observed that some people weren’t listening and it was really really  irritating. Maybe I’m too paranoid or something but it seemed to me that I care too much about the little details and things that are happening around me.

Besides that, it’s also annoying that people you chat with you don’t reply you, intentionally. It is understandable that one can choose not to reply if the other person replies “Okay.” “Thank you.” and all that. But sometimes it really sucks when they ignore you after you continued the conversation or ask a question. In Whatsapp especially, you’re hoping for them to reply you eventually but you see them online for so long but they didn’t reply you. Some people intentionally switch off their read receipts so that there won’t be any blue ticks but instead grey ticks. 

Sometimes they give excuses why they didn’t reply when you ask them. “Sorry I didn’t see.” “I was busy!” etc. Not all of them are truthful. Most people switch on their notifications so that whenever someone replies to them they can see it on their home screeens. However, some of them will see but pretend that they “didn’t see the notification”.  Bullshit. They’re busy? *Sees them actively on Snapchat snapping regularly* *Online on Whatsapp for so long they “forget” to reply* Sometimes you forget to reply, but it doesn’t everytime right.

Sigh, I feel like I care too much. Maybe I should just return to being an introvert and lock myself out from the world. They told me to try and talk and I did. I tried but to no avail. This feeling sucks.

– Eric

Weekly Update 31/7

Hey guys!

We’re finally reaching the end of July! Yayyy! πŸ˜€ Tomorrow is the start of August, and guess what? I’ll be having my first presentation out of three this week 😭 Hopefully things will go well and especially this team member of mine… Hope he does not cock up.

Lately I’ve been feeling very motivated to do things. No matter how stressful I am I can seem to enjoy everything even if it’s damn tiring πŸ˜€ Also, I’ve redownloaded League of Legends to play with my classmates as they invited me to play with them. It’s really fun playing with friends and you get to bond along well with them!

Besides the hectic presentation week starting tomorrow, I’m gonna participate in the Singapore Ultimate Open! It’s gonna be my first official competition. Win or lose, it’s gonna be an experience for me to play competitively. So looking forward to it! 😊😊😊

It’s gonna be a short update, I shall take a rest now as I have a presentation tomorrow. See you guys in the next blog post! Have a fruitful week ahead πŸ˜€βœŒ

– Eric

Boring Person

I am someone full of emotions and an introvert. People describe me as too quiet, bipolar (when I’m super duper low). Most of the time I’m feeling nothing and I conceal all the negativity in me. Almost no one could tell what I was thinking, the ones who did saw through me was my secondary school PE (Physical Education) teacher and my closest juniors and seniors.

I do not know how to feel and how to react to certain situations and I will be awkwardly standing still like a log. Seriously, I’m socially awkward.

Well, the reason why I dare not to speak up is because I’m afraid that I might accidentally offend that person or talk about topics that are really sensitive to that person. Besides, I don’t really know how to start a proper conversation. If I ever try to talk to someone who I’ve never talk to before, I will present myself and talk formally, like very very formally. 

Being quiet kinda sucks. I have no idea what to say and if I’m ever with a group like my classmates, I will just listen to them and join the conversation whenever I feel like it. And then I’ll just quietly listen again. I wonder, if my inability to be socially active really makes me a really boring person. A person who is like a stone, still and silent. What benefits can I gain for being like this. 

Honestly, I know I can hardly interact with someone one-to-one for very long because they will be thinking like “He’s kinda monotonous” and all that. I usually see people I try to talk to on Whatsapp, their status will be “online” and my message still has the double grey tick. Hoping they will reply but they don’t. Even when they’re online for quite some time, they would be talking to others and not really bringing their attention to someone who is patiently waiting for a reply. Sigh. I’m trying my best to talk as much as I can but not to the extent of talking nonsense. I really don’t have much people who are willing to listen to my problems… /:

Hopefully things will change soon. I can’t stand being like this anymore. 

I shall stop here for now. See you guys again in my next post. Stay positive and have a good day ahead πŸ˜€πŸ‘‹


– Eric