Facing the harsh reality

Sometimes things don’t go the way you want to, we all have to understand that. Life is unfair. Although this may sound a bit cliche but we need to overcome the demons that are trying to kill us from inside our mind.

I’ll have to try, regardless on how hard it is, to break free from my solitary world. In fact, it’s really hard to bottle everything up and not letting anyone know of my actual emotions. Sometimes I really feel like I’ve disappointed those who tried to help me. I am sorry. I really am.

It takes time. However as time goes on I need to really strike down whatever problems I have. I need to really face my reality. I will save myself from these demons. I want to be genuinely happy again.

– Eric

Advertisements

Back.

I’m sorry guys. I stopped blogging last year due to the overwhelming work load and commitments. But anyways, ever since the last post in October, I could say that my life were much better despite some highs and lows. Nevertheless, I’m still trying to find the meaning of life.

I learnt that overthinking is the cause of all the problems I have and I seriously need to chill. It’s normal for me to always think that I want to rewind time and turn things around again for the better… But the past doesn’t matter. The past is the past. It’s what I do in the present that brings the best out of my future.

– Eric

Gone.

I tried. I didn’t stop at all. I did whatever I can to step out of my comfort zone to try and be sociable and all that. Still, I’m caring too much for other people and having said that they keep testing my patience. I ask myself everytime, “Is this what I deserve?” 

To be really honest, I’m starting to lose myself. The life inside me is starting to perish and my soul will be as empty as the void. There’s really no motivation and meaning in whatever I’m doing to keep myself happy. I’m so broken.

I really have this thought of dying because I’m nothing to people right? I’m just the jerk and that quiet guy everyone knows; And deep in my heart, I really think I don’t deserve to be alive. I was never asked to be born into this world. 

Now I know what it’s like to have my soul consumed by the bitterness of this world and the sorrowful pain in life.




I knew I wasn’t me anymore. 




Eric… is dead.

Don’t look back

Be it light or dark, some things don’t change.

Being so paranoid all the time, it’s really hard not to stop wondering if people really care about you. Though I care for everyone, sometimes I feel like I’m just being a busybody and I’m not appreciated at all. Like I said before and I’m still considering if I should just live my life without giving a shit about others. I seriously don’t know.

The past is my greatest regret in life and I should repeat mistakes that have already occured before. Too bad I trust and fall for things so easily like a kidnapper baiting a 3-year-old out with a lollipop. Call me naive, gullible; maybe I still am now.

If only I was much more alert and mature, I wouldn’t be so dull and conceal my feelings every now and then. But to think of it, I don’t have feelings, do I?

Truthfully, only time can tell. We know nothing about the future. Anything could happen. The next minute I could be having a headache or feeling hungry. Or maybe even die?The future is pretty scary isn’t it? Anticipate change and adapt to new environments. Nothing is gonna stay the same anyways.

I was full of myself when I was much younger. I was egoistic and arrogant. Bullied people and did really foolish things like cutting my left eyebrow off. Note to myself: Anything can happen. Don’t go back to the old self you and everyone else hated. Be yourself. Don’t give up. You know you have the potential in you and all you have to do is to work hard and break the mental barrier limiting your confidence. You can do it.

– Eric

Stirring up everything

Gosh I wasn’t expecting anything from my previous post and I didn’t mean to insult anyone. I’m dead serious. 

Seems like in this 17 years of my life, people don’t understand 100% of what I’m saying because the way I put it when I say is somewhat offensive and insulting to them and it is unintentional.

Maybe I should just shut up and not say a thing and let them decipher from my plain and restless face. I don’t want to hurt others unintentionally anymore.

I guess this is why no one wants to talk to me online and in real life.

Yea…

– Eric

Boring me, boring life

Have been thinking lately about the things that I wanna achieve, yet it seems kind of impossible. The results came back and I’d already knew I would screw up big time. The incomplete papers that I’ve produced in exams had resulted me in getting a GPA of 3.2. It sucks because to recover from that grade, I’ll have to work extra hard to pull the grade up. Seems like going into a university might not be possible for me :/

Having said that, everyday is a boring day. It’s different… in the sense that it’s a new day of the month and all but… the days are repeating itself. 

Same morning routine, fixed body clock, wondering in my mind, staring into my laptop looking at soccer cleats and stuff. Sometimes working once or twice in a week. It’s just boring. You might say that I am a lazy ass and I should go and look for something to do. The thing is – No matter how hard I try and succeed, it will eventually go back to square one… which is the situation right now.

Can’t be arsed to even give shit about people when I can’t handle the shit that has been created around me. I will forever remember this phrase Brian always tell me, “Eric, get your shit together.” 

Well, I’m still trying.

Currently having this thought of being a bachelor, inspired by my teacher. Seeing him enjoying his life outside teaching really just makes me think that I can really be genuinely happy. Having a relationship without knowing the true intentions and trust from your partner can really create havoc in your life. Bittersweet memories aye. 

If I could rewind time, I would go back to 16 February 1999, 2050hrs – in Jakarta, Indonesia; Back to the day I was born, where I know no stress, and no backstabbers and people with ugly hearts. Too bad it’s not gonna happen anytime sooner. Sad.

– Eric

Sleepless Nights

As hard as I try, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I can’t stop overthinking. I just have no idea how to stop it. I tried many ways like eating before I sleep, playing peaceful piano music etc but to no avail. It really sucks not being able to sleep at night because I’d be so darn tired the next afternoon and the cycle repeats. More burden to my eyebags…

A common thought I always have in my mind is about my future. I keep thinking about the possible outcomes that will happen in like 10 years later – what will I become and what will be my financial status. Not sure if I’m really stressed for my future or what but yeah. All I know is I’ll have to work hard for my future so that I could secure my dream job and stuff. If that’s not the case then… time will speak for itself.

Because of sleeping late, I eventually turned from a very punctual individual to a late comer. Like seriously, very late. I only have myself to blame for being like this. I had caused quite some inconvinience to my friends and other people. Well at least for now, all I can say is “Better late than never.” Now my friends finally get a chance to know how it feels like to wait for them for more than an hour 😒

Well, sleeping late isn’t really a boon right? 

It’s so hard to catch up on my sleep. Right now I’d rather take a long nap in the afternoon than to force myself to close my eyelids and “sleep”.  It’s funny how I used to sleep at 10.30pm every night, but then it got dragged to 11.30pm. 12am. Right now it’s around 2-3.30am. My worst was 4-5am, or even worse – no sleep.

Trying to sleep now is so hard, it’s like forcing a vegan to eat meat. How I wish I could sleep immediately everytime I closed my eyes. 

Shall stop here for now. Have a good rest everyone! Remember to stay cheerful and lead your day with a smile (:

– Eric