Root to all my struggles

Hey guys, sorry for the long hiatus. It wasn’t easy managing time last semester but I pulled through.

As usual, I’m still overthinking but still trying my best to control it. Recently, something keeps bothering me. I realised as I get older, I’ll have to socialise and communicate with different groups of people like colleagues, teammates etc. The thing is, I have no problem communicating with people but there’s this mental barrier limiting me from doing so much more.

This mental barrier is basically destroying my esteem, which results in me being emotionally weak. This literally kills my mood and my passion for whatever I love to do. Eventually, this will give rise to pessimism. To be very honest, I have no idea why this barrier exists in the first place. It puts me in a very uncomfortable spot. My perspective of things becomes twisted and easy tasks/works becomes like a life and death situation. I also had this mindset of underestimating and looking down on myself before others do.

I needed someone to talk to. But, I couldn’t approach them. It was difficult as I fear people may get tired of my bullshit and would just ignore me. Ultimately, I conceal everything to myself. Is this what depression feels like?

Hopefully, better days will come. I’m sick and tired of this shit. May this mental barrier disappear from my life. I just want to live a normal life.

– Eric

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Finally back.

You must be wondering, what’s up with the title? Well, I experienced a rough time, juggling between my studies, social life and frisbee. It really brings out what kind of a person I am. Yes, I’m emotional, but with a purpose. I don’t really know how to express myself and at times I just find it really uncomfortable as I don’t know how to convey my thoughts to others. Honestly, others have been telling me to step out of my comfort zone and speak up. It is easier said than done. Although I think this way, I still try nonetheless.

Facing with all the pressure and risks of not being in the POLITE squad, I began to feel pessimistic about myself. But what I’ve realised is that there are people supporting and believing in me. I’ve always been doubting my abilities ever since the beginning. Sometimes it sucks to not be in your form, but all it takes to get yourself up there is to be mentally strong. I won’t give up until I achieve what I wanted.

The title of this post is the face I make when I am super duper determined. Heheh. I feel so powerful mentally now and I will not give in to those demons that drag my morale down.

Jiayous to myself. I will succeed eventually. #nevergiveupneversurrender

– Eric

Suffering in silence.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m losing control of myself. After the numerous times I tried to resist, I find myself overwhelmed by complete darkness.

I feel no emotions. Everything around me are falling apart by I don’t seem to care. Although I am already hurt, I am willing to hurt myself even more because I am used to it and I deserve it. No, I don’t mean self-harm. 

I could no longer feel love or hate. I could never achieve the things I want to achieve. I could no longer trust myself anymore. I could never be myself again. I am close to being dead, emotionally dead.

Mistakes were made, faults were blamed on me, everything is in chaos, failed to salvage things I cherish. I guess I am just useless. What am I in this world? 

I’m insignificant.

– Eric

2+2=4, 1+3=4.

Life is such a mystery. No one really knows how life really began. Maybe we’re sub-consciously living in our own dreams. Who knows? We just live life as it is. Some live to die, some live to enjoy, some live to help others and some live to kill their kind. Life sure is an interesting topic to discuss about, but this post is not really discussing about it.

Goals. We were told (by almost everyone) to set goals in life. Doing so, it allows us to feel a sense of achievement and go on to do even greater stuff beyond our limits. It gives us an adrenaline rush and huge determination to accomplish even more for our own satisfaction. Goals, in my perspective, are what really drives us forward in life.

However, there will definitely be some setbacks and unforseen circumstances whereby we will just wonder about whether our goals are possible or not. Sometimes we stick to our own methods to achieving this specific goal. Despite failing many times, have we ever thought of changing our perspectives? We might think that our methods/perspectives are the most ideal at certain scenarios… But in doing so we have limit ourselves to see things in the bigger picture.

In life, there are many ways to achieve the same thing, not only one. We have to broaden our perspectives and think realistically. We may overestimate our own abilities and underestimating the scenario. Having thoughts like that will most likely cause you to fail every single time. Be humble and think logically. If you add 2+2=4, so does 1+3. Don’t be afraid to change the way you see things. It really helps most of the time. This way you can achieve way much more than before. 

I tried it. I experienced first-hand. I accomplished things I didn’t expect myself to accomplish. Just try it.

– Eric

Silence is golden?

I felt disappointed at myself the moment my aunt told me that it hurts seeing me being silent all the time even in family gatherings and also concealing all thoughts to myself. I knew I was an introvert since young, then I was trying my best to open up whenever possible but you know, it can be hard sometimes.

Tried for so long, the progression? It improved and I started to initiate talks with other people. However, there is something that is limiting me from interacting from people. 

Although I may open up occasionally, sometimes I do not open up because you’re either someone I just met, some random dude or some asshole. Think selective perception. I only make friends with those who I really think that won’t abuse my trusts and feelings.

Well, as I try to open up including now, I still see myself stuck in the solitary world of mine. Unable to withstand the endless thoughts I have, I am bound to suffer one day. Being an introvert is not easy. As days go by, I find it hard to talk to someone. Basically I’m just afraid that I may disturb them. At this point of time, I could only stay in the silence… Perhaps I can’t leave it at all.

– Eric

Doubt & Trust

It’s easy for me to trust others if they have showed signs of kindness and gratitude towards me. However, 75% of the time, the trust I gave to them were abused for the benefits of their own. It really sucks, perhaps that is why it’s hard for me to trust new friends I have just made – be it juniors, seniors or whoever.

Honestly, I don’t know if those new friends I made have like other motives apart from being friends with me. Sometimes the way they talk to you and the things they do in front of you are different when they are with others. I find it a bit sketchy. I don’t really like to doubt people. When I do, that means I am really gonna force out your true intentions. Don’t ask me how, but I will.

You guys may say: “Oh Eric maybe they are just friendly and really are dying to be your friends!” Just step into my shoes and you’ll see a different picture. I just hate how we humans have the ability to mask off our true intentions with ‘fake-genuine intentions’. Like they say, “Don’t judge the book by its cover.”

Oh wells, I guess I need to open my eyes bigger.

– Eric

Putting the pieces in place

Well, yesterday we had a friendly scrimmage against SAJC. All I could describe for my performance was: why the fuck am I playing so badly. Despite scoring twice at the start, my mind wasn’t really into the game. I was distracted by all the thoughts going on inside my head. Besides, yesterday was also the start of the trials for the POL-ITE squad. Honestly speaking, I doubt I will be selected for the squad.

What was I thinking then? I’m not really sure. Just random and triggering thoughts I guess. Now I know what is the root to majority of my problems – overthinking.
I came across this video talking about overthinking. Basically, the video talked about being addicted to overthinking. Being addicted to overthinking means one constantly thinks about the negatives of the future, without control over your mind. Then, I realised, I was actually addicted to it. 

I would subconsciously bring myself down in undesirable situations and always thinking about how I will cock up everything I do and whatsoever. But now I know what I’m doing wrong. I gotta stop being like this. It really sucks to feel negative at times but it has somewhat became a norm to me. I need to defeat this to regain control over my mind again.

All in all, I don’t want to wait for miracles or anything. I will to work towards it. Definitely will. I will overwhelm the negativity in me with positive energies from everyone. I can do this.

– Eric