Sometimes I just feel like I’m losing control of myself. After the numerous times I tried to resist, I find myself overwhelmed by complete darkness.
I feel no emotions. Everything around me are falling apart by I don’t seem to care. Although I am already hurt, I am willing to hurt myself even more because I am used to it and I deserve it. No, I don’t mean self-harm.
I could no longer feel love or hate. I could never achieve the things I want to achieve. I could no longer trust myself anymore. I could never be myself again. I am close to being dead, emotionally dead.
Mistakes were made, faults were blamed on me, everything is in chaos, failed to salvage things I cherish. I guess I am just useless. What am I in this world?
Life is such a mystery. No one really knows how life really began. Maybe we’re sub-consciously living in our own dreams. Who knows? We just live life as it is. Some live to die, some live to enjoy, some live to help others and some live to kill their kind. Life sure is an interesting topic to discuss about, but this post is not really discussing about it.
Goals. We were told (by almost everyone) to set goals in life. Doing so, it allows us to feel a sense of achievement and go on to do even greater stuff beyond our limits. It gives us an adrenaline rush and huge determination to accomplish even more for our own satisfaction. Goals, in my perspective, are what really drives us forward in life.
However, there will definitely be some setbacks and unforseen circumstances whereby we will just wonder about whether our goals are possible or not. Sometimes we stick to our own methods to achieving this specific goal. Despite failing many times, have we ever thought of changing our perspectives? We might think that our methods/perspectives are the most ideal at certain scenarios… But in doing so we have limit ourselves to see things in the bigger picture.
In life, there are many ways to achieve the same thing, not only one. We have to broaden our perspectives and think realistically. We may overestimate our own abilities and underestimating the scenario. Having thoughts like that will most likely cause you to fail every single time. Be humble and think logically. If you add 2+2=4, so does 1+3. Don’t be afraid to change the way you see things. It really helps most of the time. This way you can achieve way much more than before.
I tried it. I experienced first-hand. I accomplished things I didn’t expect myself to accomplish. Just try it.
I felt disappointed at myself the moment my aunt told me that it hurts seeing me being silent all the time even in family gatherings and also concealing all thoughts to myself. I knew I was an introvert since young, then I was trying my best to open up whenever possible but you know, it can be hard sometimes.
Tried for so long, the progression? It improved and I started to initiate talks with other people. However, there is something that is limiting me from interacting from people.
Although I may open up occasionally, sometimes I do not open up because you’re either someone I just met, some random dude or some asshole. Think selective perception. I only make friends with those who I really think that won’t abuse my trusts and feelings.
Well, as I try to open up including now, I still see myself stuck in the solitary world of mine. Unable to withstand the endless thoughts I have, I am bound to suffer one day. Being an introvert is not easy. As days go by, I find it hard to talk to someone. Basically I’m just afraid that I may disturb them. At this point of time, I could only stay in the silence… Perhaps I can’t leave it at all.
It’s easy for me to trust others if they have showed signs of kindness and gratitude towards me. However, 75% of the time, the trust I gave to them were abused for the benefits of their own. It really sucks, perhaps that is why it’s hard for me to trust new friends I have just made – be it juniors, seniors or whoever.
Honestly, I don’t know if those new friends I made have like other motives apart from being friends with me. Sometimes the way they talk to you and the things they do in front of you are different when they are with others. I find it a bit sketchy. I don’t really like to doubt people. When I do, that means I am really gonna force out your true intentions. Don’t ask me how, but I will.
You guys may say: “Oh Eric maybe they are just friendly and really are dying to be your friends!” Just step into my shoes and you’ll see a different picture. I just hate how we humans have the ability to mask off our true intentions with ‘fake-genuine intentions’. Like they say, “Don’t judge the book by its cover.”
Oh wells, I guess I need to open my eyes bigger.
Well, yesterday we had a friendly scrimmage against SAJC. All I could describe for my performance was: why the fuck am I playing so badly. Despite scoring twice at the start, my mind wasn’t really into the game. I was distracted by all the thoughts going on inside my head. Besides, yesterday was also the start of the trials for the POL-ITE squad. Honestly speaking, I doubt I will be selected for the squad.
What was I thinking then? I’m not really sure. Just random and triggering thoughts I guess. Now I know what is the root to majority of my problems – overthinking.
I came across this video talking about overthinking. Basically, the video talked about being addicted to overthinking. Being addicted to overthinking means one constantly thinks about the negatives of the future, without control over your mind. Then, I realised, I was actually addicted to it.
I would subconsciously bring myself down in undesirable situations and always thinking about how I will cock up everything I do and whatsoever. But now I know what I’m doing wrong. I gotta stop being like this. It really sucks to feel negative at times but it has somewhat became a norm to me. I need to defeat this to regain control over my mind again.
All in all, I don’t want to wait for miracles or anything. I will to work towards it. Definitely will. I will overwhelm the negativity in me with positive energies from everyone. I can do this.
Sometimes things don’t go the way you want to, we all have to understand that. Life is unfair. Although this may sound a bit cliche but we need to overcome the demons that are trying to kill us from inside our mind.
I’ll have to try, regardless on how hard it is, to break free from my solitary world. In fact, it’s really hard to bottle everything up and not letting anyone know of my actual emotions. Sometimes I really feel like I’ve disappointed those who tried to help me. I am sorry. I really am.
It takes time. However as time goes on I need to really strike down whatever problems I have. I need to really face my reality. I will save myself from these demons. I want to be genuinely happy again.
I’m sorry guys. I stopped blogging last year due to the overwhelming work load and commitments. But anyways, ever since the last post in October, I could say that my life were much better despite some highs and lows. Nevertheless, I’m still trying to find the meaning of life.
I learnt that overthinking is the cause of all the problems I have and I seriously need to chill. It’s normal for me to always think that I want to rewind time and turn things around again for the better… But the past doesn’t matter. The past is the past. It’s what I do in the present that brings the best out of my future.
I tried. I didn’t stop at all. I did whatever I can to step out of my comfort zone to try and be sociable and all that. Still, I’m caring too much for other people and having said that they keep testing my patience. I ask myself everytime, “Is this what I deserve?”
To be really honest, I’m starting to lose myself. The life inside me is starting to perish and my soul will be as empty as the void. There’s really no motivation and meaning in whatever I’m doing to keep myself happy. I’m so broken.
I really have this thought of dying because I’m nothing to people right? I’m just the jerk and that quiet guy everyone knows; And deep in my heart, I really think I don’t deserve to be alive. I was never asked to be born into this world.
Now I know what it’s like to have my soul consumed by the bitterness of this world and the sorrowful pain in life.
I knew I wasn’t me anymore.
Eric… is dead.
Be it light or dark, some things don’t change.
Being so paranoid all the time, it’s really hard not to stop wondering if people really care about you. Though I care for everyone, sometimes I feel like I’m just being a busybody and I’m not appreciated at all. Like I said before and I’m still considering if I should just live my life without giving a shit about others. I seriously don’t know.
The past is my greatest regret in life and I should repeat mistakes that have already occured before. Too bad I trust and fall for things so easily like a kidnapper baiting a 3-year-old out with a lollipop. Call me naive, gullible; maybe I still am now.
If only I was much more alert and mature, I wouldn’t be so dull and conceal my feelings every now and then. But to think of it, I don’t have feelings, do I?
Truthfully, only time can tell. We know nothing about the future. Anything could happen. The next minute I could be having a headache or feeling hungry. Or maybe even die?The future is pretty scary isn’t it? Anticipate change and adapt to new environments. Nothing is gonna stay the same anyways.
I was full of myself when I was much younger. I was egoistic and arrogant. Bullied people and did really foolish things like cutting my left eyebrow off. Note to myself: Anything can happen. Don’t go back to the old self you and everyone else hated. Be yourself. Don’t give up. You know you have the potential in you and all you have to do is to work hard and break the mental barrier limiting your confidence. You can do it.
Gosh I wasn’t expecting anything from my previous post and I didn’t mean to insult anyone. I’m dead serious.
Seems like in this 17 years of my life, people don’t understand 100% of what I’m saying because the way I put it when I say is somewhat offensive and insulting to them and it is unintentional.
Maybe I should just shut up and not say a thing and let them decipher from my plain and restless face. I don’t want to hurt others unintentionally anymore.
I guess this is why no one wants to talk to me online and in real life.