I felt disappointed at myself the moment my aunt told me that it hurts seeing me being silent all the time even in family gatherings and also concealing all thoughts to myself. I knew I was an introvert since young, then I was trying my best to open up whenever possible but you know, it can be hard sometimes.
Tried for so long, the progression? It improved and I started to initiate talks with other people. However, there is something that is limiting me from interacting from people.
Although I may open up occasionally, sometimes I do not open up because you’re either someone I just met, some random dude or some asshole. Think selective perception. I only make friends with those who I really think that won’t abuse my trusts and feelings.
Well, as I try to open up including now, I still see myself stuck in the solitary world of mine. Unable to withstand the endless thoughts I have, I am bound to suffer one day. Being an introvert is not easy. As days go by, I find it hard to talk to someone. Basically I’m just afraid that I may disturb them. At this point of time, I could only stay in the silence… Perhaps I can’t leave it at all.
It’s easy for me to trust others if they have showed signs of kindness and gratitude towards me. However, 75% of the time, the trust I gave to them were abused for the benefits of their own. It really sucks, perhaps that is why it’s hard for me to trust new friends I have just made – be it juniors, seniors or whoever.
Honestly, I don’t know if those new friends I made have like other motives apart from being friends with me. Sometimes the way they talk to you and the things they do in front of you are different when they are with others. I find it a bit sketchy. I don’t really like to doubt people. When I do, that means I am really gonna force out your true intentions. Don’t ask me how, but I will.
You guys may say: “Oh Eric maybe they are just friendly and really are dying to be your friends!” Just step into my shoes and you’ll see a different picture. I just hate how we humans have the ability to mask off our true intentions with ‘fake-genuine intentions’. Like they say, “Don’t judge the book by its cover.”
Oh wells, I guess I need to open my eyes bigger.
Well, yesterday we had a friendly scrimmage against SAJC. All I could describe for my performance was: why the fuck am I playing so badly. Despite scoring twice at the start, my mind wasn’t really into the game. I was distracted by all the thoughts going on inside my head. Besides, yesterday was also the start of the trials for the POL-ITE squad. Honestly speaking, I doubt I will be selected for the squad.
What was I thinking then? I’m not really sure. Just random and triggering thoughts I guess. Now I know what is the root to majority of my problems – overthinking.
I came across this video talking about overthinking. Basically, the video talked about being addicted to overthinking. Being addicted to overthinking means one constantly thinks about the negatives of the future, without control over your mind. Then, I realised, I was actually addicted to it.
I would subconsciously bring myself down in undesirable situations and always thinking about how I will cock up everything I do and whatsoever. But now I know what I’m doing wrong. I gotta stop being like this. It really sucks to feel negative at times but it has somewhat became a norm to me. I need to defeat this to regain control over my mind again.
All in all, I don’t want to wait for miracles or anything. I will to work towards it. Definitely will. I will overwhelm the negativity in me with positive energies from everyone. I can do this.
Sometimes things don’t go the way you want to, we all have to understand that. Life is unfair. Although this may sound a bit cliche but we need to overcome the demons that are trying to kill us from inside our mind.
I’ll have to try, regardless on how hard it is, to break free from my solitary world. In fact, it’s really hard to bottle everything up and not letting anyone know of my actual emotions. Sometimes I really feel like I’ve disappointed those who tried to help me. I am sorry. I really am.
It takes time. However as time goes on I need to really strike down whatever problems I have. I need to really face my reality. I will save myself from these demons. I want to be genuinely happy again.
I’m sorry guys. I stopped blogging last year due to the overwhelming work load and commitments. But anyways, ever since the last post in October, I could say that my life were much better despite some highs and lows. Nevertheless, I’m still trying to find the meaning of life.
I learnt that overthinking is the cause of all the problems I have and I seriously need to chill. It’s normal for me to always think that I want to rewind time and turn things around again for the better… But the past doesn’t matter. The past is the past. It’s what I do in the present that brings the best out of my future.