I tried. I didn’t stop at all. I did whatever I can to step out of my comfort zone to try and be sociable and all that. Still, I’m caring too much for other people and having said that they keep testing my patience. I ask myself everytime, “Is this what I deserve?”
To be really honest, I’m starting to lose myself. The life inside me is starting to perish and my soul will be as empty as the void. There’s really no motivation and meaning in whatever I’m doing to keep myself happy. I’m so broken.
I really have this thought of dying because I’m nothing to people right? I’m just the jerk and that quiet guy everyone knows; And deep in my heart, I really think I don’t deserve to be alive. I was never asked to be born into this world.
Now I know what it’s like to have my soul consumed by the bitterness of this world and the sorrowful pain in life.
I knew I wasn’t me anymore.
Eric… is dead.
Be it light or dark, some things don’t change.
Being so paranoid all the time, it’s really hard not to stop wondering if people really care about you. Though I care for everyone, sometimes I feel like I’m just being a busybody and I’m not appreciated at all. Like I said before and I’m still considering if I should just live my life without giving a shit about others. I seriously don’t know.
The past is my greatest regret in life and I should repeat mistakes that have already occured before. Too bad I trust and fall for things so easily like a kidnapper baiting a 3-year-old out with a lollipop. Call me naive, gullible; maybe I still am now.
If only I was much more alert and mature, I wouldn’t be so dull and conceal my feelings every now and then. But to think of it, I don’t have feelings, do I?
Truthfully, only time can tell. We know nothing about the future. Anything could happen. The next minute I could be having a headache or feeling hungry. Or maybe even die?The future is pretty scary isn’t it? Anticipate change and adapt to new environments. Nothing is gonna stay the same anyways.
I was full of myself when I was much younger. I was egoistic and arrogant. Bullied people and did really foolish things like cutting my left eyebrow off. Note to myself: Anything can happen. Don’t go back to the old self you and everyone else hated. Be yourself. Don’t give up. You know you have the potential in you and all you have to do is to work hard and break the mental barrier limiting your confidence. You can do it.
Gosh I wasn’t expecting anything from my previous post and I didn’t mean to insult anyone. I’m dead serious.
Seems like in this 17 years of my life, people don’t understand 100% of what I’m saying because the way I put it when I say is somewhat offensive and insulting to them and it is unintentional.
Maybe I should just shut up and not say a thing and let them decipher from my plain and restless face. I don’t want to hurt others unintentionally anymore.
I guess this is why no one wants to talk to me online and in real life.
Have been thinking lately about the things that I wanna achieve, yet it seems kind of impossible. The results came back and I’d already knew I would screw up big time. The incomplete papers that I’ve produced in exams had resulted me in getting a GPA of 3.2. It sucks because to recover from that grade, I’ll have to work extra hard to pull the grade up. Seems like going into a university might not be possible for me
Having said that, everyday is a boring day. It’s different… in the sense that it’s a new day of the month and all but… the days are repeating itself.
Same morning routine, fixed body clock, wondering in my mind, staring into my laptop looking at soccer cleats and stuff. Sometimes working once or twice in a week. It’s just boring. You might say that I am a lazy ass and I should go and look for something to do. The thing is – No matter how hard I try and succeed, it will eventually go back to square one… which is the situation right now.
Can’t be arsed to even give shit about people when I can’t handle the shit that has been created around me. I will forever remember this phrase Brian always tell me, “Eric, get your shit together.”
Well, I’m still trying.
Currently having this thought of being a bachelor, inspired by my teacher. Seeing him enjoying his life outside teaching really just makes me think that I can really be genuinely happy. Having a relationship without knowing the true intentions and trust from your partner can really create havoc in your life. Bittersweet memories aye.
If I could rewind time, I would go back to 16 February 1999, 2050hrs – in Jakarta, Indonesia; Back to the day I was born, where I know no stress, and no backstabbers and people with ugly hearts. Too bad it’s not gonna happen anytime sooner. Sad.