Deep Midnight Thoughts

Hey guys! Sorry for the short hiatus 😅 I was really busy with school and other stuff. So now I’ll just spill all the crap out of my mouth.

First and foremost, exams were like… meh~ I didn’t finish up 2 of my papers because my mind was blocked. Like legit. I was so prepared for it and I’ve spent so much time reading the notes and carefully analyzing the hints given by the lecturer. My mistake had caused me to lose my precious marks and limit my distinction. Well, it has already happened and I can’t go back to the past and change it anymore. No point crying over spilled milk. I’ll have to work extra harder and be more consistent next semester.

Apart from my academics, I was also struggling on sports. Yeap, I totally lost my touch in frisbee and soccer. I couldn’t keep my throws/passes consistent and I find myself limiting at 70% and not giving in my all. This has caused me to feel really crappy not being able to make an impact in the game. Yesterday, I was invited to a friendly soccer match by my friend and to be honest I was really nervous. For not playing soccer for quite some time, I lost my touch and I couldn’t dribble and pass as good as before. Seeing the frustration from my team mates makes me feel like I’m a burden in the team. I knew I lacked confidence, but I just can’t seem to get myself together. I’m still finding a way to better myself… and I know success will only come if I put in much more effort and determination in whatever I’m trying to achieve.

All these things bug me and I’m trying to fix it. I tried to conceal my feelings numerous times from my friends and some of them think I’m weird and crazy. Not sure if they really mean it but those were my thoughts then. I frequently get blue ticked or double grey ticked by people when I try to say something to them even a simple “Good Morning”. This goes to show that I’m a boring person. Again, this is just my personal thought. I try my best to be outspoken and be sociable like what my friends asked me to do and so far until now… it worked a little I guess? Like a… 15% success? I don’t know. The impact was more negative. Sighhhhhhh

I play League of Legends to unwind the stress from everything. Ironically, playing LoL adds to the burden of my stress. Basically, I went back to LoL as my classmates play it and I returned after so long and I played ranked matches (matches according to your skill level) most of the time as it was more competitive for me and it suits my nature somehow. Teaming up with 4 random strangers to climb the leaderboards, it can sometimes create a very terrible and toxic gameplay. Once someone feeds (death count higher than kill count), a toxic player will criticise them instead of giving them some encouragement. The player who feeds will either try to retaliate, mute the toxic player or play like a lifeless zombie. It will then create a domino effect on the team. The team plays bad, the team loses. As simple as that. If only other players were nicer, I would have enjoyed more games.

Well, all these are what I’m thinking now… However, the main thoughts right now are about others’ perspectives of me

“What am I exactly?” 

“Who am I to others?” 

“What do they see me as?”

“Am I regarded as a friend or as someone who can be easily stepped over and be taken advantage of?”

All of these thoughts have given me paranoia and seldomly hallucinations during my occasional nightmares. From falling off a building to seeing everyone get killed. I really can’t sleep peacefully anymore… regardless of how tired I am. Like right now as I’m writing this. I tend to sleep at like 1am or even later at like 4-5am. To be honest the lack of sleep really suck. Sigh. Hopefully, I can sleep again.

I shall end my post here for now. Once again I’m sorry for the random hiatus and I shall see you guys in my next blog post. Peace. ✌

– Eric


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